I am in the middle of an “I’ve lost my way” period in my life.
There, I have said it.
It came to me this morning as I read my “Jesus Calling.” Hit me in the face. Reunited. Made me feel better and a little bit worse.
There are situations in our life that a we can’t control, but we are affected by. Big situations. Little situations. Some that seem so big that you get lost in the maze of trying to figure them out … projecting to the uncertain future, that you make into certainties, not intentionally, but because you are human.
Not all people … me. I. Moi.
So, what do I do?
I tend to work as fast and hard as I can, and then collapse in an exhausted stupor and you know how good exhaustion is to making things look navigable.
Not so much.
I take to tasks at hand, things that I make become important to me, but mean nothing to anyone else. Making homemade, well, everything.
If I had a quarter for overtime I did this in my life, we would be loaded.
To not tell you this, and present those dastardly plans I did, yesterday, is not who I am or why I write. Yes, it is real, but the reasoning on what that was about, is not glorious, and I only had that put in front of me this morning, by words, other than my own.
Instead of feeling joy and happiness about much of what I have been doing, I have had more of a feeling of, tick that off my box, thank gonads that it is over and I survived … but barely. And all the while, I am dwelling on projecting the future in a world that future is folly.
I felt crappy that people said they were exhausted reading what I was planning to do. I was exhausted writing it. And because I was focusing on the wrong part of the that time filled with people, I lost the meaning, the joy of community and love and just felt overwhelmed.
Some people can’t do anything when they are stressed. Me? I go into over-achievement mode. I will beat whatever this is, by creating.
I love creating things when I am into the zen of creating. But when I do it to hide, to mask, to cover, things that I really have no right answers for, but am called upon to take part in things, it adds to the exhaustion.
In other words, I still don’t know how to live a life with grace and ease and faith and trust.
At least at times.
This morning, I want to say, God, I am an idiot. Friends and readers, I am an idiot.
I shall blame the pollen.
But the fact is, the flipped menu doesn’t matter. Whether my house is spotless doesn’t matter. What does matter is if I exhaust myself to get the house and food ready to false expectations that I had put in my head.
I am not Martha Stewart. I don’t want to be, and apparently, I can’t even joke about that because, I, in my magic mind, think that being Martha Stewart in excellence, is what my life is about.
It is not.
I do pretty well with momentary, and hurt term faith. But long term, that is where I fail. I don’t like to. It is exhausting and does no one a service.
You know, I hadn’t felt one shred of excitement about the upcoming weekend … just the work of it all.
This morning, that changed. I got the message. And it wasn’t just about this weekend. It goes further than that. I can’t make life a burden, and that is what I was feeling.
Oh my jelly beans, this sounds like a true life confessional, something that I would say to a therapy group.
That makes me laugh.
But put it this way … my guests will be fed. They will not pick up a disease from an unclean house. And they will be well taken care of.
Other than that, all bets are off. I will look forward to community, laughs, love and the unexpected.
I am NOT a life planner … or Martha Stewart. I am just Susan, a Norwood Girl.
PS. I posted this painting because I bought these spiffy kind of frames that don’t need matting. They were 2 for 1 at Micahels. I like the way they look and thought they might give you an idea.